Playing with Fire

I had an interesting conversation today with 2 women. 1 was a follower of the Pearl's discipline model. Another a punitive adoptive mother. The Pearl's follower said that the reviews on "To Train a Child" on Amazon were not good and true according to what Michael Pearl wrote. She said that "he says that if a child is trying to touch fire, you have to hit their hand" and that just makes sense. So I have been thinking about this. Is this true?

What I would do if I saw my child looking at fire, is I would go to them, get down on their level, and hold them close to me with my mouth by their ear. In more of a cuddling fashion. I would say something like, "Let's look at the fire. Isn't it pretty? It's so interesting! See how it burns and destroys the wood? It is a different thing than you have ever seen, and it would burn you and hurt you like it is destroying the wood. So, wow! It's so interesting!!! But goodness, we must not go near it. We can watch it together."

If it was a stove fire, I would be sure to have safety knobs if they were near the child's reach. And if there was nothing else, and I saw that they were unable to control themselves, then you just can't trust the kiddo being near the fire. If they have no self control, how would you think that hitting their hand would somehow create in them the abilty to have self control? Self Control is the goal right? Not just mindless obedience to never touch fire. You would want your children to know about fire and know that it's something a child or an adult shouldn't play with, put stuff in, or touch. What good, and I mean in true discipleship and teaching a child the way they should go manner, is it by hitting their hand when it gets near fire. In real life, nobody will be there to hit their hand when it gets near fire. There has to be true teaching, not just punishment. So Michael Pearl, I disagree with you again.

And to speak out against other stereotypes of nonspankers, no we aren't all angry and yelling all the time. I show an example above. And I shared with the 2 ladies today that I don't get angry. I mostly use natural consequences. Like if my kid spills their milk, I don't even have to say anything to the 4 oldest, they know where the appropriate cloths are to clean it up. It's automatic. It's real life. And I don't yell, or say anything for that matter.

And another being that just because you don't use corporal punishment that you do have standards in which you run your house. The kids don't run amuck and destroy the home and all that is in it, they don't live on popsicles, they don't speak with disrespect, they don't go without baths, etc. You can easily parent and not hit. It does take more effort, but it can be done. Believe it!

And to the adoptive punitive mom, hitting your child when they can't understand their school work doesn't work. They don't have the ability and if they are so freaked out they can't think. Imagine being in a burning building and someone is calling you to give you a recipe and yelling at you, "Don't you want my recipe?!!?!! Are you not listening to me?! I make the effort to call you because you wanted this and now you won't even listen to me." Imagine, a wooden spoon over your head and trying to figure schoolwork out. After you have already been through enough abuse and neglect!

I mostly wanted to listen and interject where I thought I would make the most difference. Sometimes when people are on a track it takes a lot to get them off and it's the Holy Spirit's job to show them the way. I think they got where I come from and if nothing else I hope to open doors to help them with ideas on how to truly teach your children, the hard way...the effective way.

I'm so stupid sometimes.

So I baked up a large batch of sugar cookies. Cut out like beautiful lil angels. I had a plan to decorate them rather elaborately, and since we are a lil tight on finances this Christmas, make them nice as part of a present to a couple of people. So I whipped up my special meringue icing to make them very pretty. I iced 3 which took me about 20 minutes. I had to leave the room to do something, and in the meantime my sweet CL was in the middle of shaking my colored sugar shakers, the lid fell off, and shook the whole container on my 3 cookies, the entire counter including the bowls of icing, and the floor. RUINED!!!!!!

I had to step aside as he rushed down from his spot and went to get the dust pan and broom. Without a word he knew he made a mess, he had to clean it up. It's a family rule and cuts down on a lot of misbehaviors. I just stood there...steaming inside. How stupid of me!!!

THEY ARE COOKIES!

HE IS MY SON!!!

So I have 3 cookies with a little extra blue sugar on them. They go to someone I love. And I think they will still love them, and maybe even think I did it on purpose. The rest of the batch I quickly iced with the remaining icing, with the extra sparkle. Why am I still worked up? This is so silly of me.

After my CL got the dust pan and got most of it, he grabbed a washcloth and was going to use water to get the rest. Which would have lead to a sticky floor, and so he got the rest with the dustbuster. And I am still angry! Why!? He then came to me with a hug and said, "I'm so sorry I made a mess Mom." Ouch, I felt bad inside for being so worked up over cookies. God uses my kids to develop my character all the time.

He took a bath and I guess PD talked to him about it. When he got out he said, "I'm sorry I wrecked your decorated cookies. Thanks for not being mad at me." OUCH!! I guess I hid it well.

So I will have to make another batch I guess. Maybe I will just let them decorate them.

Ode to the Bath!

I am such a bath person. PD has been away the last 3 months and I hope he is back by Sunday. But it gets rough without him. He is a very involved dad, and he usually gives me a bit of a break after supper. But it's nonstop without him. So I run on adrenalin, and then I can't sleep. Like now! :) So my baths are what really keep me sane. Not only is it warm and relaxing, but it gives me time to pray and meditate, and just be thankful for my blessings throughout my life.

But there's more! Baths are super amazing. If you are dehydrated (like my kids were for about a month of the last 3 months), and you can't keep liquids down (or in), you can take a bath, and your skin - the largest organ of your body - will soak up water directly into your bloodstream. Isn't that amazing! God is amazing to design us in the way He did.

Also, if you are stressed, or love someone that is, you can add epsom salts added to your bath can do amazing things. Check this out! You can better handle stress with more magnesium that comes from epsom salts, on top of baths being completely warm and relaxing and leaving you not much else to do besides actually catch your breath. And of course, the great spiritual element of just being with God and being thankful and reflective reduces stress too.

So, if you are stressed, if you can't sleep or have poor sleep due to stress..take a bath with epsom salts and take some extra time with God. You will feel so much better!!!

Suffering & God's Glory

Even in suffering we have the comforting assurance that suffering has a divine purpose and will one day end. One day we shall all fully understand why God allowed us and the children gifted to us (and those yet waiting for families, or those that are abused by their family) to suffer, and be relieved completely of all things that challenge us. And better for us to help those that are weaker and more fragile in and through their suffering then they do it alone unable to navigate or overcome without Godly guidance, or having their needs met (in all ways); and be the one blessed in doing so because when you risk little you yield little but if you take on something big your fruits will be enormous! God reveals Himself in trials, and builds our character to become more like Him. Paul claimed all his suffering to be light affliction in comparison to the glory of God! And even though the Bible speaks of heaven, I believe there are not words in our language that can even remotely come close to what it will be like.

And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. 2 Corinthians 12:3-4

To be in God's presence....yes, our eternal reward will blow us away! He is preparing a place just for me, and He gave His son just for me!! And He walks through our suffering with us giving immeasurable comfort, peace and wisdom; and sometimes shows us His miracles.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

The Power of GUILT in Legalistic Parenting

What is legalistic parenting? I would define it simply as "Do the crime, do the time" as in, with an infraction there is a punishment. Rather formulaic and hands off in my opinion. Children are not computers; they are living, feeling, spiritual beings.

2 Timothy 2:22-26 (Message Bible) Run away from infantile indulgence. Run after mature righteousness—faith, love, peace—joining those who are in honest and serious prayer before God. Refuse to get involved in inane discussions; they always end up in fights. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.

Wow! This is how we are to treat everyone. With gentleness, not quarrelsomeness, coolness and working firmly but patiently.

Compare this with guilt ridden legalism that leads to nonstop failure. Nobody keeps the law all the time. I will be my usual genuine self here. I'm a speeder. Yes, I have a GPS and it says, "You are now exceeding the speed limit". And my kids are in the back saying, "Mom, why are you speeding?" Ouch! Convicted without a ticket!

Well, I got caught once. I was in college and it was about 1:00 and I was hungry and heading home before my 2:00 class. There was a school crossing where it went from 40mph to 25 with the yellow blinking lights. I didn't see any kids around. But I got BUSTED! I paid my fee and now my record is good. But what do I do each and every time I see a police car? Yep! I look down at my speedometer. There is that guilt and that shame. This is the world of legalism, and I am an adult and I can fully understand "do the crime and do the time". But a child cannot. I can't even get my CL to use the toilet, with a bribe to Chuck E Cheese if he stays dry. The idea of delayed gratification, or delayed punishment can't be effective. He is completely incapable mentally to process such things. So yes, grace can be given. He will get there. I will help him, remind him, love him and not fill our relationship with guilt and shame. Guilt and shame do nothing but destroy relationship and inner self confidence. We want to raise our kids in God's Grace and Love, and be Jesus in their lives.

Romans 5 is a beautiful passage to meditate on. Law brings condemnation, Grace brings justification.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servent

I am so thankful we homeschool. I love getting into the Word with my kids and then have them bring it up later, or if I have to disciple them later we can bring up a lesson from a previous day. It most definitely brings a unity between spiritual matters, lessons from biblical times, and what is happening in our world right now. And most definitely being with them while reading the Word, helps me grow, be a better parent, and more Christlike through my understanding.

This last week we studied The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant located in Matthew 18:21-35 NIV.

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”



I have had this thought in my head and I haven't been able to put it into words until reading this passage. I do not understand how someone, possibly as sinful as me, could completely comprehend the gift of salvation and yet be a punitive parent. Please forgive me if I have a hard time putting this into words as I feel like it is so profound and amazing that I cannot put it into words. To truly understand the gift of the cross; yet have no grace, mercy and gentleness to your children, leads me to wonder if the parent truly understands their own sin nature and truly understands the gift of eternal life. How can you go to God and plead forgiveness in the name of Jesus Christ, yet turn around and expect every directive instantaneously be followed without mistake in a SMALL child that yet does not have the ability (and you don't either!)? Yes, they have sin nature just as you and I do. We are instructed to teach our children the way to repentence and redemption, not pain and suffering. We are to show Jesus to the entire world, not witholding the amazing gift of grace to our own family members.

Dear God,
Please forgive me when I fail to show grace to my kids. You love me more than I can imagine or understand. I thank you that your mercies are new every morning. I pray you help me show Christ to my kids every day in every action, and when I fail may I be an example of sanctification to my children. May they understand that Christ has paid for their sin, and they may find eternal, glorious wholeness and unity with you Heavenly Father. May I be Jesus to them so they can fully understand Him. I thank you for the gifts of my 5 children you have entrusted me with. I thank you that you trust me in raising them in fear and admonition of the Lord. I am in awe of your greatness and I am here in your service.

Amen

How many times should I forgive my children and show grace when they do not meet my expectations?

Sickness

An all consuming sickness hit our home. It started with our dear dog Sparkles. Then moved through all but PhenomoBaby and myself. I am so thankful God protected us. It wasn't pretty and kept me busy, so I need to get caught up on my thought life. :)

Exodus 23:25 And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.


Praise God for healing! This Mama doesn't like to see her kiddos sick.

Forgiveness

So an area of my life that I don't talk about, and unless you knew me in my late college years or early career...I was previously married. My exhusband cheated on me and wanted out. So even though I meant my promises, I could do nothing. And once his mistress was pregnant...It was over.

So fast forward through many years. I am happily married to PD. We are blessed beyond what I planned for in 5 great kids. God has me on a ride and I will get off when He calls.

And now things have been coming up from the past. About 4 months ago I got a Facebook friend request from my ex's soon to be 3rd wife. Interesting...Why would I want to be a part of that at this point? I just clicked "ignore". Good luck to you both. It's sad!

A few days ago I searched through my group messages on Facebook and I find a note from my ex's mistress turned 2nd wife. We are catching up in a most bizarre way. What really happened on my end, which is all a surprise to her. She was incredibly lied to. We are still PMing and catching up. The constant sin. They had 2 kids together and they are the biggest losers here. And...she apologized.

So, what does a Christian do? I mean, she destroyed a holy union. God hates divorce. There is a stigma with divorce, but we have to not stigmatize everyone. He is obviously a train wreck constantly causing pain. I was misled. She was misled. Two lil girls have their daddy every other weekend, when they should have him constantly. And now another woman!

So, what does a Christian do? I mean, she caused a lot of pain in my life. I made promises to God and man, and she was a part of what caused some of this pain.

So, what does a Christian do? I seriously should hate this woman.

John 8
2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”




Alright, let it all go. She apologized, and I have accepted. It has been very healing. I have had a lot of evil hatred in my heart for years against this woman and what she did, and I don't think I fully knew I still was angry. But it's gone now. It's all in the past, the way past. She apologized, and recognizes how foolish and niave she was. She wanted to confirm the truth. And oh, I LOVE truth! And she confirms the same thing happened to her. And she warned #3, who chose not to listen. Not much else I can do at this point, but forgive.

Eph 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Oh, that gets to me! How can I hold a grudge? How can I vilify her in my heart?

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I must do the same. I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, trying to live like Christ did. Even though I am imperfect.

Col 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Ya know I didn't really know that I held on to some of this. I am so blessed where I am at. But our discussions, and just the mere fact that she wrote me, brings me back to the pain I felt. It has brought some waterworks on for sure.




So we will continue to chat. Maybe become "friends". Who knows? We have some things in common that's for sure.

I am God's gift to the world, and the world doesn't deserve me.

I am not PhenomoMom due to any doing of my own. God uses me on a daily basis to make a difference in His plans. John Piper's video hits on so many issues I have dealt with in our adoption, and life beyond that. It's all God and His righteousness, and my FAITH in Him.

Chicken Lo Mein

I am loving this recipe! A sweet neighbor brought me a recipe for Chicken Lo Mein a month or two after our Chinese Princess joined our family. The poor girl didn't know how to eat, so we tried everything. She had thought "Maybe Chinese food..." I have changed a few things, and amped it up with more flavor and veggies. And it's delicious!


Chicken Lo Mein
1/2 lb whole wheat spaghetti noodles
1 lb boneless, skinless Chicken breast cut into small strips
1 cup Asian Toasted Sesame Dressing (Kraft)
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, chopped
2 carrots, peeled and diced
2 celery stalks, diced
1 red pepper, diced
1 cup frozen corn
1 cup peas
2 cups chicken broth
3/4 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup soy sauce
dry roasted peanuts

1. Cook Spaghetti
2. Fry chicken until it begins to brown, add in dressing and veggies
3. Add broth, peanut butter and soy sauce; simmer until sauce is desired consistency and veggies are desired tenderness
4. Drain noodles, return to pan. Add chicken/veggie mixture and combine.
5. Serve with dry roasted peanuts sprinkled over top

Variations: Add any veggie! Broccoli is good too. Sprinkle with cilantro or green onion.

It's a pretty dish with all those veggies. And the kids love it! The peanut butter is odd, but it makes it so good!

Could you be wrong? Like me. Or just not know?

God has specially equipped me with all of the tools I need to parent my five blessings. But sometimes, I get a curveball, and sometimes I completely blow it.

We have one adopted daughter that has been through more than anyone should have to in a lifetime. We have behavioral issues, and our relationship takes constant work. One day my van key some how came off of my key ring. You know the cheap, bendy one that is from the dealership that everyone should take it off of right away. :) Well, some how it came off, and it was lost. She claimed she took it, but she wouldn't or couldn't tell me where it was. I tried all sorts of parenting tricks from playful parenting, to sitting wondering out loud where it could have gone, to looking everywhere possible for it. I had to call a locksmith to make me a key, which I didn't think they could do when you don't have a key. But voila! $150 later we had 2 new keys. You know just in case... The next day I found the key in the baby's carseat in the van. How did it get there? I have NO IDEA!!!!! But gosh what damage I could have done if I would have physically punished her. It would have driven a wedge between all the hard work we have done. And I am not sold on the idea that she did anything at all.

And that's not the only time this has happened.

Today we went to the docs as we are on day 11 of a GI problem for 1 of the kids. I will spare the details. My 5 year old boy started running around and being a little crazy. I told the doc (a military doc), that daddy was gone and he has the hardest time when they are apart, that he needed to play the way men play with boys, kind of rough; wrestling, superman, jumping on each other backs. Those things that mama can't do with a baby on the hip too often, yet I do sometimes. So the doc took him and flipped him over his leg as we talked about how to beat this personal problem. He patted him, rubbed him, stretched him. It was great I thought....Boy was I wrong! My boy started going crazy. Kicking, screaming, scratching, spitting...it was outrageous!!! I thought gosh, most parents would take that boy and give him a good ol' fashioned spanking if they saw this behavior. A tech had to pin his arms and legs down to get him out to the van. I was thankful for the help, yet oh so embarassed. But I was all WRONG!!!

I had to wrestle him to get him into his carseat. He got out and screamed, jumped, and then came running up to the front of the van. He kept saying, "I need to talk to you!" I kept saying, "Tell me. I am here." He was in my arms with both of his wrapped around my head. He sobbed. It was hard to figure it out, but I finally got it. He misunderstood the rough play from the doc. He thought he was purposefully trying to hurt him. And if that wasn't bad enough, I sat there and didn't protect him. He verbalized this all. I had tears flowing down my face, and I couldn't stop them for an hour. Now, they flow again. I let him down. Even through a misunderstanding, I should have been the one to protect him, and in his eyes I let him down.

He said he wanted to apologize to everyone and show good Godly behavior, but everyone kept grabbing him. He felt violated. He said things like, "Everyone is teasing me." And, "Everyone is holding me down." Oh, I wish this could be all done over again.

It is hard for him every time daddy is gone. This completely reinforces why boys need their daddies. Mommies can't be Daddies, as God gifts each differently in unique roles. And I can't be Daddy. He is an independent lil boy, and has a strong leadership characteristic; and he was pulled from that and wasn't able to get himself into control due to his fear. I have apologized 100 times, reinforcing that I want to always protect him and always free him up to exhibit Godly behavior.

But, gosh, what if I would have spanked him. Would this connection been made? Would I have a remote idea what is going on in his little heart? Would I think he was just insane? Would I know how to stop this the next time? Would I be encouraging him in his spiritual walk? Would there have been a lesson for him on how to conduct himself?

So yes..I messed up. I missed it completely! But I think I pulled it out in the end. Sometimes you don't know the whole story, just like me. And it is oh so important to really know the whole story, beyond what you see and what you think. It is important to focus on the end result, and helping them grow in their character.

Time to get bloggin'.

I have a million things on my mind and I really need to get back to blogging. If I can get my words out, then maybe I can better organize my brain and continue growing to be the person God plans for me to be. Stay tuned! I will try to organize this mess in my head, and get something new here.